Poundshop Prepper:

You just know there are ‘preppers’ in the UK, slumped on their sofa, putting away a 12” pizza, boxset binging Angry Prepper youtube instead of practicing skills, on their own in their bedsit, juggling rent with credit card payments – barely scraping by in peacetime, let alone after SHTF. With their crate of Macro baked beans under the bed, crossbow on the wall, pound shop poncho in the back pocket next to their depression pills and wish.com paracord watch on the wrist, they stagger down the loose carpeted stairs in a dingy deathtrap stairway, Strongbow in hand, boasting “yeah I’m a prepper, me, I’ve got everything squared away mate.” Of course, they are not ready to even start prepping, as they will go down with the first punch in the boxing match of life. They cannot even avoid dying young, let alone dying of disaster. This is not to denigrate an underclass or the poor or the foolish, in fact it will be the overclass who try to kill us off with a Great Reset – or however they eventually do it – and the working class who will have to try to rebuild. But Poundshop Prepper helps us understand how we need a solid foundation of preps against likely or non-fatal risks before we can build preps against fatal or less likely risks.

Preps Prepper

Preps Prepper has it all. The Big Berkie. The MREs. The trauma kit. The tent. The INCH bag. The sat phone. The drone. The only problem is, he has never done a day’s training in his life so would be dead within a month. He has ‘All The Gear, No Idea’.

Para Prepper

Para Prepper does not need preps. He will just head for the hills and live off the land. The only problem is, he has never done it for real and his family have no training. In reality, this Billy Badass will be dead within a fortnight because he never thought about bugging in with a full pantry.

Paranoid Prepper

Paranoid Prepper is the real deal. He has the preps and he has the skills. The only problem is he assumes the only disaster will be a zombie apocalypse, so when something else happens he is SOL. For example, All American Prepper is only ready for an invasion of commie Urban Preppers.

Proportionate Prepper

Proportionate Prepper is dismissed in prepper circles as an kitchen gardener, never even camped out and does not even own a gun. Their skillset is wide rather than deep. Yet, funnily enough, when disaster strikes it turns out that is all they need survive, and with preps for everything it does not matter which particular shit hits the fan.

Professional Prepper

Professional Prepper knows it all as he is a disaster recovery manager in government. He can spout procedures for rest centres and spew plans for water bowsers and how government will handle everything and we will all be fine. Insulated from reality by his gold plated job, he ignores the fact that government nearly collapsed during covid and could not even handle a flood or financial crisis.